This week we had been given strict instructions to meet Simon out in the car park before The Film Guide. Last week he suffered what can only be described as a mental breakdown due to being a long-suffering Brentford fan. Danny and I had to see a horrific Hawaiian shirt, dump a stolen Ferrari and clean it for prints, and return a traumatised ferret to its child master.
Danny and I waited out in the car park and, dead on the specified time, a big white van pulled up, opened its side door and a huge boot kicked a disheveled, ashen-faced man out onto the concrete. The man picked himself up, dusted himself down, blinked heavily in the daylight and stroked his new beard. It was Simon, but he looked like a homeless and mentally unstable Richard Gere if he had been cast as Robinson Crusoe.
"Hi, Simon." We said in unison, trying not to sound like he freaked us out a little.
"Hello chaps!" Simon replied, smiling broadly. "How have you too been without me?"
"Don't you mean 'you two'?" asked Danny.
"How can you spot spelling mistakes in my verbal speech pattern?" Simon replied, looking confused.
"It's a talent." said Danny, looking a little smug.
"Anyway," I cut in "how did you grow a beard so quickly?"
"To keep us calm at the institute they fed us lawn fertiliser and it makes me a bit potato bucket monkey cheese Snoop Dogg but it sure does make my hair grow!" Simon answered while picking a fly out of the air and sticking it in his mouth.
"I think we should take him inside" suggested Danny, as Simon started rifling through the skip nearby in the vain hope of finding a life size Sandra Bullock cutout. She has a restraining order out against him, don't ya know?
Ok, that was a lie (except the restraining order) but Simon was in the studio to talk about the UK box office and his pick of films on TV for the coming week.
Back to the Future III
7.45pm – 10.00mm
11.45pm – 1.50am
The Hills have Eyes
11.25pm – 1.30am
10.30pm – 12.10am
The Iron Lady
9.00pm – 11.35pm
Starter for Ten
9.00pm – 10.30pm